Do you ever go to sleep at night feeling as though you're sleeping on the top of a 50 story sky scraper? Not only are you on the top but you are precariously perched right on the edge of the top? Do you ever have this feeling? It's definitely not a "on top of the world" feeling.
You lay there trying to drift off -- to sleep, that is -- and the rest of the world is rushing around in 6 lanes of traffic far below you. Cars are honking, people are yelling, trucks are zooming by, trains are honking and people and traffic are swarming the ground just below you. Planes are flying so close you could reach out and touch them and lightening and thunder are creeping in on the sky just above your head.
It seems like all of creation is trying to harm you in some way or another.
You're uncomfortable as you lay there. You toss and turn. You fix your pillow just right. You tug the blankets up again. You throw them off. You toss again. And then you turn. You look at the time. You move your leg. You turn and then toss. You pull the covers around your chin. You stick your foot out. You toss. And then you turn.
And you worry.
You worry endlessly that you might fall off the building you call your bed. All it would take is one bad move and life as you know it now, would be over. It makes you sick to think about that fact; that you just might fall. And so you worry. And worry. You worry so much that for almost 2 hours you just keeping tossing and turning and pulling up the blankets and looking at the time and then tossing the blankets off again and fixing your pillow right at least a dozen times.
But worrying about your predicament is not going to fix the problem. And it's not going to keep you safe. It's not going to keep you from falling off the edge. Worry is the carbon monoxide that steals the oxygen from your soul. If you worry enough your strength is replaced by total weakness.
In case you wonder, yes, you have every "right" and "reason" to worry... you're in a dangerous place. Not many people sleep like you're sleeping right now. Most are at home, safe in their beds. The top of a sky scraper right on the edge isn't a very accommodating place to lay your head. Of course you can't rest. You have your rights to worry.
But do you? Is worry ever necessary? Is it ever right? Is that worrying even doing any good? If anything, it's keeping you up later than you should. It's zapping your energy. It's stealing your strength.
Such were my feelings last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Tumultuous circumstances around me were robbing my inner peace, my strength and my joy. I could almost feel the opposition around me and my mind was going all over the place. How would I do this, how would I do that, what about that problem, how would I fix this thing, what if???... etc.
Suddenly, it dawned on me that yes, there are situations I must face right now but laying worrying about it was NOT going to do a bit of good. I needed to rest. I needed to sleep. And I needed to stop tossing and turning. My poor husband is going to reap the negative fruits of my futile labors of trying to go to sleep.
While praying for God's peace and direction I realized that no matter where I am in life, as long as I'm in the center of God's will, I am safe. I can be dangerously teetering on the edge of a big "problem" and still be safe. Like Elisabeth Elliot says, "The Everlasting hands do not let go of their hold." I can be glad. And I can rest.
The offer on our house right now does pose a lot of uncertainties ahead of us. We don't know where we'll move. And we don't know how many dozen more times we'll have to show the house before this offer (with contingency) either goes through or falls out.
It seems to me that my life these days is giving me a lot of reason just to trust. Not just in our house selling either. It's ironic to me all the subtle circumstances that have creeped up on me that can about do me in with worry.
I really don't know about a lot of things ahead of me today, this week and definitely into the summer months. But I am trusting the one Who does.