Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Futile and Uncertain

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about how I had NO idea what today would bring. I have no assurance of knowing that by the next time I go to bed, all my loved ones would still be healthy and alive, my house would still be standing and life as I know it would not be tragically disturbed. Yeah, I HOPE everything will stay normal and the way I like it but how do I know ahead of time that it will?

I don't.

Life is so uncertain. It's so futile. What do the things I do today amount for 50 years from now?

It makes me wonder how people do not get consumed with fears and uncertainties that tomorrow may be the worst or last day of there life. I mean, how do I know that when I sleepily kiss my husband good bye in the morning and slur something that resembles, "I love you" as he heads off to work for today, it could very well be the last time I see him?

I really don't know but I need to live in a GODLY fear that tomorrow may never come. I need to live right now as if it will be the last time I see someone, the last night I tuck my children to bed, the last time I kiss my sweetheart and the last time I wake up in a safe environment. Then, dirty socks on the floor won't bother me anymore, a restless child at night will not disturb my peace and the wails of two babies at once on each hip will not make me go crazy.

My goal is to hug, kiss and hold my dear ones more. Today could be my last.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Who Are My Children?

The person in my son, who is he? What will he be some day? Will he be a loving big brother or will he enjoy provoking his younger siblings? Will he be a teachable young man? Where will God lead his life? What kind of husband and father will he be? Will he even ever marry? What will his beliefs be? Will I always agree with him after he's an adult? WHO am I raising in my son? And what will I raise him to be?

The person in my daughter, who is she? What kind of a woman will she become? Will she be the daughter I always dreamed I'd have? Did I turn out to be the woman my mom always wanted her first born daughter to be? What kind of wife and mom will my daughter be? Will she take after her mother? If so, what kind of example am I leaving? So often I look in the bright, tender and trusting blue eyes of my little girl and wonder if they will always have that innocent and cheery glow in them. Will even her husband someday see their unscarred beauty or will some circumstance effect their heavenly hue by then? What am I doing through my example to prepare my daughter for the perils of life?

The footsteps I leave, do I want my children to follow? The beacon of light my life reflects, is it bright enough to safely allow my children to chart their lives around the ragged rocks of life by? Are the vast, open and blank walls of their life worthy of my echo? Will I be blessed or cursed by the resounding waves of the returning echo I hear?

Who am I raising in my children? As the ages roll on, will folks utter in amazement at the person my child becomes and credit it back to how my child was raised or will they shake their heads in disbelief and say they can't believe anything good could be become of the example I left?

I'm always taken back by preachers of old who were true men of God. Its humbling to realize that each one had a mother who tucked them in bed everynight, read to them the Holy Scriptures and fed them their daily bread. Her example was a prominent influence in their life for either good or evil. And she showed her example while she cooked, cleaned, did laundry, related to their father and other people.

Who are my children and who is their mother making them into?

A Common Sin

I know we're not supposed to classify sins -- to God sin is sin. But a common sin amongst especially conservatives seems to get more and more prevailing. No, its not immodesty, jewelry, divorce and remarriage or unveiled women in prayer. Its judging.

It's funny how much scripture emphasises on the dangers of judging... not to judge ourselves among ourselves... that he who judges will be judged with the same judgement. etc. Why don't we seem to get this?

Why is it so easy to see the mote in our brother's eye around the beam in our own? Why do we expect grace and forgiveness for our own lives but don't you dare cross my line and expect ME to understand and forgive YOU?

I don't get it.

Why is it easier to see the lack of clothing on your leg but my attitude of judging is totally not an issue? How can I say I love God when I have an attitude of hatred for my brother because he does or says something?

Love covers a multitude of sin but oh my, you better not have a sin in your life or else I can't have love for you. I mean come on, if I overlook your sin, my Christian life is headed down a slippery slope! That mote in your eye is such an offense to me. Heaven forbid anyone should have such a large particle in their eye.

It's amazing that meanwhile I can actually see the light of day pass the beam lodged in my own eye.

Divine Design or WHAT?

The other day Toby and I were having a lengthy discussion. Does God really know the exact choices we are going to make from the day we're born until the day we die? I guess I always thought so but my husband proposed a new way of thinking in this belief: if God has given man free will, then would we really have a choice in every matter in life if He already knows what we will choose?

Toby's argument was that since God can never be wrong than if someone is born into this world and God KNOWS they are never going to choose to follow Christ but are going to die an eternal death, then that person will NEVER have the chance to turn to Christ.

My response was that God knows without planning what choice that person will make, that he/she will ultimately never make the choice for Life eternal. God didn't design that person with the choice that they would choose the way of Satan; He just knew when they were made that they would never choose God.

Toby said that then God does not give free will.

I'm still not certain what I believe but not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about this question since we had the discussion. I hope to have an answer for myself soon as this is an overwhelming question in my mind.


I have such a broad circle of friends. I myself am a member of a Mennonite church but I have a close friend who is professing Lutheran -- born, baptized and raised in it. The daughter of a Lutheran minister. Back in the times of Reformation, her people killed my people. Yet today, Jessica and I get along just great. The base of our conversations are on spiritual matters and how we can encourage and pray for each other.

I have another friend who has turned from the Anabaptist faith (so-to-speak) to some extent and technically, I'm sure some Mennonites would feel it was their godly obligation to shun Becky. Hmmmm. I guess, her and I get along just fine these days and our talks together are usually all about what God is teaching us and leading us into.

My maternal Grandmother is a Baptist. My paternal Grandmother is a Catholic. Neither one has reported our differences to their church authorities. My husband's Grandfather was a Pentecostal preacher and they still attend a charismatic church.

My parents are Anabaptist misfits, for lack of a better definition. They have adhered to many teachings of the early Anabaptists but also many of the new testament teachings. They're kind of a Heinz 57 if you want to get into naming the distinct breeds of denominations.

My husbands parents are first generation Anabaptists. They hold to all Anabaptist teachings but have based themselves soley on the Word of God and do not feel its God's will to be governed by rules and regulations. A lot like my parents only they're missionaries sent out under our church so their freedom is limited to the leaders of our church.

I wrote all this to say that I'm surrounded by people that think, talk, believe and act different then me. Only my husband and I are 100% agreeable on everything. And even in our total compatibility, there is one issue we both have different view points of. More on that later.

Anyway, because of all our vast differences, I think God has given me a taste of what Heaven will be like while I'm on earth....

"From every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne..."

I do not believe that everyone going to Heaven will believe the same on everything. The only thing I believe we need to agree on is the basis of our faith: that we are SAVED BY AND THROUGH THE BLOOD OF CHRIST ALONE.

Definition of My Title

No, I'm not French. The reason I chose this title is because of why I chose to blog: I want to write down and record all my hidden ponderings and thoughts somewhere where I can trust my heart to share. The words on this planet in blogsphere will be straight from the Heart of Court.

It seems that wherever I bear my soul, I am confronted with opposition. Someone always has a better reason of why things should be this or that. I'm sick and tired of arguing. I'm fed up with someone else having a different way of looking at issues and why their way is THE right way. Anyone can defend what they believe and feel for certain in their heart that they have truly come to the full knowledge of knowing all the ins and outs and thus coming up with the one correct answer.

I have created a place where I can freely express my opinions, thoughts, fears, convictions and plans. No one can stop me or tell me their opinion before I've finished saying what I think. I guess for once in my life, I will not be interrupted while I speak my piece. Please feel free to express your comments but don't expect responses all the time. I am open to new ideas and thoughts but I will not be easily persuaded.

So, all that said, WELCOME to my site! I hope you don't mind reading my posts and will feel free to share your thoughts as well. Tell me what you think. I do want to know.