Friday, September 30, 2005


I thought once I was married, I'd be done waiting for a husband. I guess I also thought that I'd get married and settle down. Though I have been married for almost 3 years, I still haven't settled down. Both of these thoughts are not logic: they are fallacy.

I wait for the man I call my husband all the time. I wait for my life to settle down. It only seems to get busier and faster. And waiting for a husband seems to be a constant thing for this wife.

I wait for him when he has a huge book that is taking him forever to read and he spends every spare moment with his nose in it. I guess I get slightly jealous that his dark, deep eyes are peering at mere paper and not at me.

I wait for him to finish his work on the computer. I watch his strong, dark hands as they touch mere plastic (and not me) while he skillfully moves them across the keyboard with experience.

I wait for him to come home from work everyday. Right now, I'm waiting, hoping, listening to each passing vehicle longing for one to turn into the driveway and confirm that my beloved is home. But, alas. The driveway is silent.

Several minutes ago, he did come home and I thought I was done waiting. He was with an employee and got out of the truck but then simply vanished. I saw Matt (employee) leave in his vehicle parked on the other side of the house but Toby is no where. I even saw Matt drive away towards his home where his own wife is waiting but I see no Toby. I had begun to think that perhaps the rapture took place but I can honestly tell I'm still here and I know that if it had happened, I would not be here. I am tempted to go see if my babies are still in their beds napping upstairs just to make sure.

Now I hear music to my ears: a loud, diesel engine is making its way up the driveway. If my husband isn't in that, then I know I need to go check on the kids...

The door is opening and he's walking in... a sweet kiss... a glance at the day's mail... and now he's reaching for his book.

I'm still waiting for my husband.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I Didn't Do It

When I started this blog, I knew I never wanted to write about politics here. There's enough blogs out there dedicated to politics that would convince a Demo to turn Repub and a Repub to turn Liber. I am not one of those blogs.

But today when I read the paper and also was on Google news, I had to comment on the whiney responses from a lot of the areas of government concerning hurricane Katrina.

"I didn't do it, HE did!"

"Nah-uh! He MADE me do it!"

"I was doing my job-it was his fault THAT happened..."

And on and on the chain goes. The Prez. blames the Feds. and they blame the mayor, and he blames the Prez... and... It's too bad we couldn't just sign it off as a terrorist act then we could all blame Osama.

I am beginning to wonder when someone will start blaming someone else that the hurricane even hit New Orleans. That has to be someone's fault too.

What's with it today when no one can just take the blame? What's wrong with saying, "I was wrong and I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" Or, why can't people realize that there was nothing more they could've done and we will all just have to live with the results of what happened?

I still keep going back to the fact that there were hundreds of school buses in N.O. that were wrecked in the flood: the mayor could've made it a mandatory evacuation BEFORE the hurricane and provided transportation for all those that had to stay behind because they had no other choice. I guess I'm blaming him now.

I read one report a few days ago that said, "more people would've left New Orleans before Katrina hit if only they could've found transportation for them and their pets."

Put a collar and leash on the dog and start walking then. I mean, come on! You will blame the government for not providing transportation for you and your PET? There were human lives at stake! People in danger! Children, babies, mothers, elderly, etc. All for the sake of a pet, you thought it would've been better to neglect American citizens and keep the pads of your dog's feet dry?

I know animals are nice and dogs are man's best friend but sometimes you have to say goodbye. Especially when it comes to choosing the life of a human or the life of an animal. That seems to be a no-brainer to me.

I forget that we live in a country that has killed millions of our own people and called it legal.

Why am I not surprised that he blames them and they blame him and he blames who-knows-who? People just don't think these days and our mouths speak words that never even pass through our brains. Maybe we just don't have brains anymore. Wonder who's fault that would be?


It has been a crazy 2 weeks around here. Janae is teething, Landon had a fever, my husband is getting sued and I'm just trying to keep caught up with everything and everybody. I'm not sure if I'm succeeding or not.

Lastnight, I decided to try something new and have our little night owl baby sleep in another room and give us at least one night of good sleep alone. She is almost 6 months old and is such a light sleeper that it seems that if you just pull the blankets up or fix your pillow just right, she's wide awake. She has her father convinced that she will not tolerate any attention he gives her mother and will loudly scream and cry no matter where we are or where she's sleeping. He says he's going to call her "Radar" from now on.

So, I had a nice bed fixed for her in the room right off of ours. She nursed well, was sleeping soundly and was put in her bed around 9:30pm. She impressed me by sleeping very well and not getting up once. For the first part of the night, I thought her radar was disconnected.

Her brother on the other hand, would not settle down until midnight. I went in once to refill his milk and another time to put a diaper back on his naked bottom. He kept playing, talking and making noise. This is so unlike him that I have to wonder if she didn't just put him in charge of her radar job before she went to bed.

Finally, he settled down and was quiet and I felt like at last I could go to sleep. All radar activity seemed to have gone to sleep and I was more than ready to join them. Toby had long since gone to sleep and was unaware of the night's events. I was just thinking that maybe I should go check on Janae just to make sure she isn't suffocating herself and that she is indeed asleep but then decided against it because she wakes up so easily.

I rolled over and sleepily whispered to Toby how much I loved sleeping with a husband when all of a sudden, I hear Janae's sweet little voice coo. Toby and I get within 2 feet of each other and her radar signals an alarm to get up. At least I knew she was still breathing and alive.

Sigh. Yawn.

I held my breath and waited several more minutes and didn't hear much more. Then she started cooing and making lots of noise. I decided to not go get her until she was crying inconsolably. She needs to know that when its dark, people sleep. Just as fast as the noise started, it stopped. Yaaaaawn... this will be an easy night. Radar was turned off again. False alarm.

I waited several more minutes. Then I thought I'd better go in and make sure a smashed little nose into the mattress wasn't what silenced her. I tip-toed quietly in, dodging the parts of the floor that always creaked and peered cautiously into the crib as if she is a nocturnal baby that can see in the dark. You wouldn't think so but with a baby that has radar, you never can be surprised.

She was sleeping soundly but all I could see of her head was her dark hair. That confirmed that she was sleeping with her nose smashed in. I softly felt her back: she was still breathing. Then I carefully reached for her nose. Smashed slightly but there was still warm air coming out. Knowing I could never go to sleep without moving her into a more "healthy" position, I carefully rolled her over. But it wasn't careful enough. I immediately saw bright eyes glowing in the dark. The radar had gone off.

I tried the "pat the bottom" thing but that wasn't good enough so I slipped out and went to my bed to wait for the wail. Soon, her fussing turned into crying and then my husband mumbled something about, "Chi-ald" as he rolled over in his sleep and probably went under his pillow.

I sighed. Got up and marched quietly to her bed. Even in the middle of the night, I love picking up a warm squirmy baby and bringing it to bed and cuddling with it. She was ready to eat and soon finished and was fast to sleep. I gave in and just put her in her co-sleeper next to our bed, covered her up and went to sleep myself.

Bright and early, I heard stirring and grunts from that baby again. So soon? Does radar ever sleep? I nursed her again and dozed on and off. She kicked and squirmed, fussed and nursed, smiled and laughed. Sometimes she slept but not that much.

Another sleepy start to another tiring day. If only I hadn't gone into check on her nose lastnight, maybe we all could've had a good night's sleep.

I guess I have radar too.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

This Is My Beloved And This Is My Friend

He is my Husband. My Soulmate. My Companion. He is my Beloved and my only Lover. He is the best Friend I could ever have. I love this man with all my heart.

Toby has been a very special part of my heart and life since the first day we met. I'll never forget the first time he laid his eyes on me and literally turned around in his seat to get a better look at me. I was surprised but tried not to notice. The series of events that followed in the next 2 weeks confirmed my hopes: he was interested.

There was one thing I feared before I knew for sure that he liked me: I thought that he would think I was too young. He was of the ripe, mature age of 28 and I was just a young chick at 19. After we were in a serious relationship, he described to me how he was afraid I'd think him too old. Especially when we had first met and he made me guess his age...

"Are you 21?.. 22??"

The flushed smile on his face and his shaking head displayed that I was way off. When he said he was 28, I was too shocked to be able to hide my shock that it made me shockingly exclaim, "YOU are TWENTY EIGHT?" as if that was some ancient number. At that moment, I "knew" I would definitely be way too young.

Meanwhile, he was under the impression that I was only 17 and figured he'd have to wait a few years before getting serious at all. His relief and joy when he discovered I was actually all of 19 made it unsurprisingly another confirmation that I was THE ONE.

We were in love from the start. We loved each other long before we ever said, "I love you." The moment he said "I love you" was followed in the next breath with, "Will you marry me?" You can believe I was ready to say yes.

We courted for about 2 weeks and were engaged for 3 1/2 months. We couldn't wait to get married. We lived 530 miles apart so you can imagine how hard it was to be apart. We made up for it when we did get to be together whenever he visited but still the visits were too short.

Toby is the kind of man I always dreamed of having for a husband but never thought I'd get. His ways of loving me have been so sweet and special. I can't say we never fight because that would not be true. Yet, I hate to use the word "fight" because that doesn't describe it either. I guess I'll just say that he's not a push over and neither am I. There has never been an issue though, that we could not settle on together. Every discussion has always been followed with "a kiss and make up." We never go to bed mad.

When they said that marriage only gets better, I didn't believe it at first. But, now as I look back, I can clearly see that the honeymoon days were only the tip of the ice burg. It gets better than even that. We love each other and our commited to each other and everyday is another adventure in our life together.

Toby: he is my beloved and he is my friend. And I am his.