Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A Feline Frenzy

I live with this guy who likes cats. And since this guy also happens to be my husband, I have to choose to like cats too. The only other option available is to hate the cat. But I have a sneaking suspicion that such arrangement would leave me feeling a little stressed out all day long. And I really don't want my husband to have to deal with that.

So I choose to like the cat. End of story.

Now, if it's a nice cat that always uses it's litter box on a regular basis and doesn't tear apart the leather recliner and doesn't infest the house with fleas, I can be cool with such a cat. I guess I assumed my litmus test for cat standards was just limited to those three things.

Until recently.

Actually, quite recently.

About 4 minutes ago, I realized that a fourth requirement has been evaluated and definitely certified for the Domesticated Feline Litmus (Aptitude) Test (Exam) -- or the DEFLATE test:

In order for the domesticated female feline to survive it's entire feline lifespan, it must never participate in the practice of fertility sounds and rituals. These sounds and rituals include but are not limited to:
  • Vocalized purring
  • Incessant meowing
  • Loud vocalized cat sounds that sound slightly robotic
  • Weird vocalized cat sounds performed with lots of feline body movement
  • Pounding on OUR bedroom door at night (especially during the 12:00am - 4:30am range)
  • Insisting on pounding on said bedroom door at night
  • Resuming annoying cat sounds
  • Never stopping the vocalization of fertility mating call and feline body movement
  • Vocalized purring blended with ghost-like-sounding meowing
  • All above descriptions combined

If only I had started a college fund for my kids. Because, IF I had such a college fund, I would find it well worth it to spend on spaying this about to be killed annoying cat: who wants a parent who is known by the neighborhood children as the mom who killed the pet house cat with her bare hands?

I know my children sure don't. But right now, I really don't care...

"Here kitty, kitty..."


pat ve said...

Just loved this. I HATE cats. What a bother! They slink against your legs, purr at your knees when your sitting down and will jump in your lap without being invited. They stalk birds in the yard, and leave their doo-doo in flower beds! They are totally unloyal. They will eat your food and then go to the neighbor's for more. The may need to have shots, but they also NEED to be on leashes when they are outdoors, or should be banned in the city limits unless it is a totally indoor cat. My only positive comment about them is that they are cute as kittens. They are just horrid adults. Somewhat like the human race.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. It is not a popular view, especially with cat lovers.

Cheri said...

LOL! I love your style of writing!

But Courtney, I'll take this cat before you kill it! Cats are my favorite animals! =)

Princess Caitlin said...

Not a cat lover here.
This made me snicker quietly uncontrollably for a minute.
(I'm snickering quietly because everyone's in bed - and I'm at your blog because Rebecca Rodriguez told me to be. lol)


Jean said...

Get the cat "fixed' or isn't that helpful in stopping her desires to mate? I've heard some cats that sound just like baby's crying. You are lucky if you can tell the difference between the cat and the little guy when you are awakened in the night.

Toby said...

The trouble with a kitten is that,
eventually it becomes a cat.