Keeping Perspective on Motherhood

So much of my day, my life, my world, revolves around mundane busy-ness. Like unfinished laundry, messy house, smelly messes, naughty kids, tiredness, unfinished projects, etc.

But, when I think about the family who's blog I visited that had just lost their second child a few months ago and are now close to losing their first daughter due to pregnancy complications, I really don't have it bad. I mean, I'm living the dream that expecting mom has: to be a busy wife and happy mother of children.

I read stories about families who have genetic problems. All their future children are at a high risk of developing health problems that will likely not allow them to survive infancy. I know that mom would give anything to have toys strewn all over her house, thanks to the fact that she has a house full of healthy children. Instead, she brings flowers to a grave while I bring a hungry baby to a high chair.

What about the mom just down the street that lost her son a couple months ago to a tragic car accident? She worked hard to bring him through infancy and then childhood and he was just working on getting his driver's license. Now he's dead. She would give anything to have extra laundry, a full school schedule and the opportunity to wrap her entire existence around her boy. But, it's over because he's gone.

Does it really matter that I have a never ending pile of laundry? That my house never stays clean? That I no longer get one meal done and it's time to plan another? That I have lists of shopping to do but no way to get out of the house because of my kids? No. It doesn't matter. As long as I keep my perspective and remember that I will experience this season in my life and my children's lives for a very short time.

And then it'll be over and I'd give all the world to have them little again. To have that messy house again. To wash the dirty jeans of that kid who was told to stay out of the mud. To wash the sticky face of the girl that was told to stay out of the candy. To vacuum handfuls of cracker crumbs from the van. To comfort that wailing baby. I'll wonder how I ever lost perspective while living the life I always dreamed of living.

But, it's not over. I am living that life. And I'm going to enjoy the reality of each one of those dreams. Crumbs, mud and tears will never daunt me. They are only the dross of the gold hidden deep within each one of the children I call my own.

And those are little things compared to the reality of the dream I'm living called, motherhood. When I look back in time, I don't want to see the distractions of life; I want to see a happy child, a joyful mom and a loving home. Yet in the busy-ness of life, I never want to lose focus on the fact that we're making those memories today.

"Time doth softly sweetly glide, when there's love at home!"

An Engaging Story

Once again, it is that time of year. Our engagement anniversary is tomorrow and since I tend to be a remember-significant-dates type of person, tomorrow is a significant date I remember.

A couple years ago, I collected our thoughts and "story" here. Since it all has stayed the same, I guess I figured utilizing the hyperlink system on blogger is probably the most efficient. Plus, none of those details have changed. Our story is timeless, of course.

Adding to the nostalgia this time of year brings, we just happen to be heading (for Thankgiving) to the place where we met. Loveland, Colorado is definitely the place to be when you fall in love.

In Sickness and Health

You know that little note they stick in wedding vows, "In Sickness and Health?" I always thought that meant in the couple's sickness and health but after having kids, I found that it included them too.

That's where we're at today. Landon complained of a headache in church Sunday night, proceeded to feeling quite warm and feverish and commenced complaining about the headache the whole way home from church. And all night. And now all morning. He basically has a headache (if he knows what a headache is for sure???) and a fever. He's getting The Treatment which means he got some yummy medicine and now gets to sleep under a fan in Mom and Dad's bed. How much better can life get? (when you're sick, of course.)

After my own restless night of not sleeping well and trying to rationalize why Janae felt it necessary to ask for a "rink" (drink) and then be satisfied and go back to bed when all I did was answer, "you had one at bedtime" and then having her get up a couple hours later to turn the bathroom light on because she thought it was too dark in the house to having Landon come in, ask for a drink, head to the kitchen to get his own drink but instead lay in the hallway and wait for me and then keep coming in the rest of the morning to ask for this or that and comment on this or that, or tell me about this or that.

Despite having a bad night of rest AND having a sick kid to top it off, I already had a full day planned. Lots to do. Projects to complete. New projects to start. Errands to run. Cleaning to do. And more cleaning. Laundry. Painting. Etc. Pretty much, my schedule was full. But, I guess this is where that invariable, unavoidable, unplanned for "in sickness and health" comes in.

Which brings me back to the basis of this all. Marriage is a big package. It seems to effect every aspect of life... sickness, health, poverty, riches, etc, you get the idea. But, there's one thing I love about being married. At the end of every day, no matter how awful/good the day is, there is one foundational and unchangeable part of every day: the part of the day when everyone goes to their own beds and the house is dark and quiet. I love that part. I love knowing that no matter how busy I am or distracted Toby is, we still have a common denominator: our bed. The house can be a mess, our days can be full and keep us separated, the kids can be sick, but we still have something that doesn't change: our bed.

Sometimes the day starts with a lurch. The alarm goes off, the phones start ringing, the kids are crying, the baby needs milk, Toby gets ready for work, I head to the shower and wham! just like that, the day is in a headlong tumble towards an endless cycle of vicious circles of everything to do and not enough time to do it.

But, I can rest assured when I peer through the whirling foggy world our day suddenly is, and know that even if I don't see Toby for the rest of the day or have the opportunity to talk to him on his phone, or even see him at the supper table, it's okay; I'll find him after the dust has settled, the noise has quieted, the phones are off and the lights have dimmed and he'll be sleeping next to me. I love that we both can stumble off into our busy worlds and feel content to know that no matter how busy we get or how much we have to do, we'll be waiting for each other at the end of the day.

There's something sweet, contented and peaceful about resting next to the one you pledged your life to. It's a picture of trust. Of love. Of no matter what happened today, we're still here together. And that's my favorite part about being married. Just the quite togetherness of doing nothing other than sleeping and resting. And recharging for yet another busy day and endless cycle of vicious circles...blah, blah, blah... you get my point.

Everyone must go to their bed at some point in their day and I'm glad I get to go to the same bed as Somebody else I know. I don't need a cruise or a Caribbean get-a-way or even a romantic date night; in sickness and health, as long as we both shall live, just put my pillow next to his and I'm content with that.

The Kind Of Love To Know

Driving down the street the other day, reflecting on life and all it's aspects, I was thinking specifically about relationships. As you can tell from my blog, I've put a lot of thought into those lately.

Friendships mean a lot to me. I love all my friends and they each hold a special place in my heart. I seek to maintain relationships with them even if I'm out of reach, out of touch and out of state. But, I've learned that sometimes the people we love the most in life, are the ones we are most apt to hurt and to be hurt by.

As I drove along deep in thought, and all while missing a dear friend, I saw something that almost took my breath away. And when you're driving, it's not a good thing to stop breathing.

A young girl stood off the side walk. She was sad and crying. Something was really bothering her. But standing next to her, stood her friend. Holding her, comforting her, being there for her.

The most vivid thing I saw while I drove past was the arm of the friend around the girl's shoulders. Just a arm but yet how profound. It was a symbol of love. Of, "no matter what happens, I'm here." Of, getting so close to her hurting friend that she wanted to bear that burden. Hold her up. Keep her strong. And if that didn't work, just be there.

And then I realized that you don't always have to understand a friend in order to "be there" for them. That it doesn't matter what hurt them or how they're hurt, you can still "be there" for them. And that a strong arm on their shoulder, says a lot.

At that moment, I knew what I needed to do. The picture I saw in a flash as I drove past was one of love and care and faithfulness. I wanted to be that kind of friend to the friend I was missing. To show love. To show that I care. And to show that I'll be there, no matter what. I blinked the tears out of my eyes so I could see the road and I realized then what an impression that picture of love had made on my heart. And I knew what I needed to do.

If a friend can believe that you mean it when you say you love them and will be there through thick and thin, there is nothing more beautiful than having a token of their trust manifested through the same commitment they make to you. And a mutual trust, is a good thing to bank on.

God loved me first, unworthy though I am and so predictable of failure. And He loves me every single day. How can I except anything else from myself than giving my all when it comes to loving others? Who am I to think my love is special and must be rationed according to circumstances? If God loved me like that... I can't imagine where I'd be. How can I think I have a right to love others less than He loves me? Especially when I know He loves them too.

Love is stronger than death. And I have known that kind of love.

More Anniversary Tid Bits

A few interesting facts about our fifth anniversary...

-- this was the second anniversary that I wasn't 9 months pregnant, or 8 months pregnant or 6 months pregnant. In other words, I am usually pregnant on our anniversaries.

-- this was the second anniversary we spent without eating out.

-- this was the cheapest anniversary we ever celebrated.

-- this was the first anniversary I didn't get flowers.

-- this was the first anniversary that I got a set of china instead of flowers. (my idea.)

-- this was the first anniversary that Toby made the dessert for. (yes folks, I am serious.)

-- this was the first anniversary that grandparents kept the kids.

-- this was the first anniversary and time in history that we stayed home by ourselves with no kids for the night.

-- this was the first anniversary we spent in this house.

-- this was the first fifth anniversary we have ever celebrated.

-- this was the gazillionth time I've muttered to my husband with my arms around his neck as he sweetly looked down at me (11" of height difference gives him the advantage to "look down" at me all the time) "Can you believe we're married?"

After all these years, I still can't believe it happened to me. To us. Marriage is wonderful. And anniversaries are so fun. Especially fifth ones.

An Important and (often) Forgotten Date

I know it's far from November 24th but I thought it would be good to remember that day as we approach the date of our wedding anniversary. And what better day to do that than on Valentines day.

Let me explain.

In the early hours of the evening of November 24th, 2002, I heard the sweetest thing anybody had ever said to me.

"I want you to know that I do love you," I heard from the driver's side of the Ford Ranger I was in.

"And I want you to be my wife," the words went on to say for the first time in my life.

"Will you marry me, Courtney?"

I said yes. I married him. And I am glad.

Months later, we laughed about this proposal; it was so short and to the point. I assured Toby that I thought it was sweet. Plus, he is not the get-down-on-one-knee kind of guy so I really didn't mind that he simply asked me to be his wife without including a bunch of fanfare. I like originality too and since no man had ever asked me to be his wife or told me he loved me before, whatever way Toby did it would've been meaningful and original.

Plus, I've never heard a couple say they were engaged in a Ford Ranger pick-up truck while making a quick trip home from Church. That just seems orginal to me.

We still drive down that dusty gravel road where he asked me to marry him. And I think it will forever invoke a flair of nostaligia everytime we make the turn where he slowed to a crawl and told me he loved me for the first time.

I've learned through marriage that a happy woman doesn't need things to make her happy. She doesn't even need a thoughtful husband who thinks of any way he can to surprise her and impress her with his ability to demonstrate love. Her only need is to be loved. Simply loved. And to know she is needed and wanted.

And Toby is good at loving me and showing me that I am needed and wanted in his life. I am content. Helplessly content.

Although he's dashingly thoughtful in so many ways and can remember what I wore the day we met and that the dress had a tiny wrinkle down by the hem, I still marvel over the fact that he never can remember the exact date of our engagement. It's been this way since before we were married -- and we were married 3 1/2 months after this proposal. To this day, he needs me to remind him that, Yes dear, it was indeed the 24th that you proposed to me on.

But, that's okay. I like to feel needed in such an important way in his life. Plus, he hasn't ever forgotten that I am his wife and that I did indeed say yes. So, it's alright.

5 Years Ago Today...

A courtship began.

He was single; I was single.

He wanted a wife; I wanted a husband.

He "risked, reckoned and rested his faith" by asking my dad. (an excerpted quote from the letter itself.)

I rested in the risk he took to reckon his faith.

We began a week of emailing 6-8 pages a piece a day. Never talking on the phone until our relationship was several days deep. Every discussion was documented in those emails.

Okay, it was such an intense beginning, it caused us to get married a mere 3 months later.

He never told me once that he loved me... until he asked me to be his wife. I loved this part about him. And I'll never forget the first time he said, "I do love you." It was immediately followed with, "Will you be my wife?"

Do courtships like ours ever end? After 3 kids, 4 houses, 4 vehicles, 5 year's time of trial and error, I don't think so. We only love each other deeper.

5 years ago today, we fell in love for the first time, ever. And we stayed that way.

Happily Ever After is nice.

For Better Or For Worse

We were both having a conversation. We both knew that too. Even I. Although, an observer listening in and watching us would've thought quite the contrary was going on.

"Hey Honey," I began as I sat down near him, "I need to talk to you about something."

Immediately, my listening husband said, "Okay, talk." And then he picked up his cell phone and made a call.

A few minutes later, I told him again we needed to discuss something.

"Okay, talk," he attentively said as he resumed the program on his computer, giving it his full attention.

The phone rang at this point and he answered it. I knew I definitely couldn't talk now so waited for the call to pass.

After he hung up, he headed out the room. Through the doorway as his voice grew distant, I heard him say, "Honey, you can talk now."

It Only Gets Better

There were so many of them -- boys and men of all ages and sizes. Some were tall, some were short, some looked nice and some not so nice.

Only one seemed to stand out to me.

He played a lot of the part of the stereotype tall, dark and handsome figure and he had the deepest brown eyes. He was an observer; standing along the edge of crowds just watching and listening. Not the life of the party type of guy at all. Although, once engaged in conversation, he was a good conversationalist. He knew how to make people feel comfortable.

Especially me.

I couldn't believe how well he made me feel relaxed. "That Toby sure is a nice guy," I remember commenting to a friend that day.

But, I only knew a fraction of the whole truth. Four months later, I started a life of learning about this man even more.

Sometimes when I look back on our early days and reflect on how unlikely it ever could've been for us to meet, get to know each other and then get married, I still marvel at how our lives have so perfectly merged into one. It's like it was always meant to go this way.

I've learned 2 things that I never believed before I was married. Actually, I never really gave thought to these matters until Toby came into my life.

Number 1: Love at first sight DOES exist and is very real.

Number 2: It isn't just by chance that some couples meet.

The chance of Toby and I ever having our paths crossed was highly unlikely to happen. Nothing in our lives was conducive to putting us in the same place at the same time. In some ways, we were both aware of mutual groups of friends and had similar backgrounds but when it came right down to it, we were farther from meeting each other than just the distance between Wisconsin and Nebraska.

And to think this far and distant person is the one I've celebrated 4 anniversaries with... The man who takes me to the hospital to have a baby... The man who's name is at the end of my signatures... The man I spent an entire weekend with celebrating a life of love.

God's ways sure are filled with surprises.

Yet, it only took one meeting and we met and just 4 months later were married.

Toby is perfect.

Yes, I really said that and can still say that after 4 years of living with the guy. I know the Bible says no man is perfect but in every sense of the word, Toby is perfect for me.

And the more I get to know him, the more I find ways to be perfect for him.

I love you, Honey, and look forward to many more years with you!

The Way Of A Man With A Maid

Tomorrow (the 24th) marks 4 years since Toby and I were engaged. I always get rather nostalgic around this anniversary, reflecting on all the things that happened then and have occurred since.

I think back farther and re-contemplate our courtship days. You know all the legalities and logistics for "Biblical" courtship, etc. I have to smile when I realize through the words of a friend that dating/courtship/betrothal are all a terminology thing: eventually they all lead to marriage.

Contrary to unfortunate popular thinking, there are no rules or commands given in the Bible in regards to "courtship." There are instructions on purity and holiness but no rule list for courtship. There are also Old Testament examples of betrothal and marriage but we forget that the practice there was strictly cultural. If we're supposed to follow that tradition then we should also follow the rest of the Judaic law and traditions. When it comes to "Biblical Courtship," I often wonder why people tag Biblical on it considering it is only a nice idea and seems like something God should've written Himself or approved.

Don't think I'm giving unmarried couples keys to immorality or unaccountable promise making between them and a prospective partner. It is not right to flippantly bounce around in a relationship and neither is it right to not guard yourself in the physical department in regards to purity before marriage. But I still strongly believe that courtship is never a "7 Step Principle" that more than one couple can follow. It's a custom made adventure for every individual person.

I know of many couples who followed strict rules handed down to them by self-appointed courtship leaders who somehow managed to make laws and bylaws of this God ordained relationship. Outings were strictly governed, inches were implemented between the betrothed and communication was strictly shared only through parents or some other form of healthy filter.

Many of those relationships end in frustration. Not all end, but many do. There is too much emphasis put on doing this thing ultra godly but when it comes right down to it, it ends up being a confusing mess and completely man-made.

The potential groom is dating his future father-in-law and the dear bride is getting to know her father better. Or, the couple is limited to mere chit-chat and short visits involving no in depth mutual sharing of hearts and minds in regards to marriage issues. There is no simple trust put in God; it's all confined in a certain little box called: Biblical Courtship Standards. I find it funny that many of these people say they're trusting God but I wonder how they can truly do that when they stick to strict check lists that they made and take long periods of time to learn every in and out of the potential in-law.

Ironically enough, even the name tagged to the "type" of relationship a couple is in seems to determine the level of purity between the lovers. But that isn't always the case.

I was surprised after moving to another state and Church and I learned that the pre-engagement time of sincere young people seeking God's will in my new Church surprisingly called their relationship dating. When you mentioned courtship, they looked at you funny. There was honestly no connection between that word and the meaning of what many conservatives define courtship as.

But when you observed a little longer and found out the details of their relationship, you realized that even though they were dating, they weren't immoral, they weren't spending hours alone together in dark cars and they were even saving their first kiss for the wedding day.

And they call this dating?! Another example of the fact that this is a terminology thing: Marriage.

There's also a misconception that a couple shouldn't start courting unless they know that it's God's will for them to get married. Why court then? If that was truly the point of courtship, then why doesn't the couple just get married right up front? Courtship is a time for the couple to find out IF they're compatible for marriage. The last part of the definition here couldn't say it better:

• Courtship
  n : a man's courting of a woman; seeking the affections of a woman (usually with the hope of marriage)

I've come to the conclusion that there simply is no benefit in pushing one's own standards of courtship on other people. If it worked for one couple great, but personalities, geography, characters, age, and many other aspects need to be considered when implementing a one-size-fits-all mentality in regards to courtship.

This topic is important to me because of what I learned through this special time in my life. I should mention that I had many ideas and plans before I met Toby in regards to courtship. Equally so, he had many details that he thought were important. By bringing two separate individuals together, we had to mesh ideas into one plan.

Now for our story...

One thing that we both automatically did was call our relationship courtship. So, that's why I refer to our pre-engagement relationship as courtship because of the way it just went for us. But when I'm talking to people who refer to courtship as dating, I have no problem calling the relationship that we had, dating. The name doesn't change anything.

We lived 8 1/2 hours apart. The bulk of our communication during courtship was done on email. We spent many hours visiting on the phone after our engagement. When Toby came and visited me, we had time alone to visit, catch up and get to know each other better. We spent hours sharing ideas, thoughts and preferences that we would've otherwise been hindered to share if other people would've been with us.

Equally so, we as a couple spent a lot of time with family members when Toby was visiting. Understandably, most of those times of visiting were spent chit-chatting and held no foundation to our marriage. As a couple, we were thankful for those opportunities to share time with others but if the bulk of our time would've consisted mainly of chit-chat, it is understandable to assume that we would've had a limited understanding of each other. Of course you can do all this communication after marriage but what is the purpose of the engagement period if you don't have opportunities to show interest and share ideas in each other as you plan your marriage together?

Toby's folks are missionaries overseas and because of their mission plans, our wedding date was determined by that. Seriously, we had 3 weekends to choose from. Or our other option was to wait an indefinite amount of time. Considering the fact that Toby would've had an uncertain place of residence and would've lived alone or lodged with a friend for the entire time, our parents and us felt it wasn't wise to hold off the wedding.

Toby held a very steady and reliable job, was financially stable and we had his folks' house available immediately for us to rent from the land owners. Had Toby stayed single, both he and his folk's doubted that the house would've been available for him to rent alone considering he was a bachelor and the landlord was pretty picky when it came to tenants. (We all know how rough old bachelors can be. :) )

All these details played into the duration of our premarriage days. It was ironic to think that situations beyond our control like this were enforcing when our wedding day would be. It just went to show that it was perfect timing as to when we met and when the Lord led our hearts together in love. And then what followed as the wedding day arrived.

Since that cold, beautiful, fateful day in February, we both have grown so much in the understanding of marriage and love. As single youth, we both read all the courtship/dating books, many courtship/dating stories and more courtship vs. dating articles than we could count. Ironically, many of those pieces of reading are authored by both young and old, unmarried people. I wonder how this delicate issue of love can be rightly handled and determined by those whom have had no first hand experience with it.

As we approach the anniversary of the beginning of our love, I'm reminded again that love is such a journey. I would've never thought that the love we had back then could actually get better. And definitely not this much better. Even with the strain of change, moves, children and occupations, it still grows dearer everyday. But, I guess when you marry the one you love and love the one you marry, it can only get better.

Equally so, even the truest, deepest and tenderest love isn't always the fairy tale experience we assume it should be. In case all you young lassies think that all men are always the remember-every-little-detail-of-everything-ALL-the-time kind of lovers, don't set your hearts on such lofty ideas. To prove my point, ask Toby when our engagement anniversary is.

At least he knows when our wedding anniversary is and that I like cream and sugar in my coffee. I love you honey!