It was 2:00 in the morning and my sleep had been rudely interrupted. A wide-awake baby boy lay kicking in my arms but I didn't care. I was happy to snuggle his warm, squirmy body as his bright eyes showed every intent of being up for awhile.
As he firmly gripped my finger while I fed him, my mind wandered back 10 years ago on July 26, 1997 at 2AM when another little boy had interrupted the night. Only this little guy had entered the night before his time; his lungs were way under developed.
I'll never forget that sleepless night while we hoped and prayed our little brother would somehow not be born. I had never prayed so hard in my life. And then in the morning when my mom called and told us the tragedy had happened, I'll never forget the feeling of "why God?" Hadn't I prayed enough? He was perfectly healthy; why did it have to be that he was born too early? If God needed another baby in heaven, why couldn't He just make His own? Why OUR baby?
I pulled Alex up to my shoulder to burp and was reminded of another heart ache. As I felt his warm breath against my neck, I thought of a friend of our family's who was sitting in a hospital room with a lifeless baby boy, perfect in every way but born dead. Why that baby? Why another heartache? Why that family?
None of those whys have been answered but that's okay; I can still trust God. Even if I could know the reasons why these things are allowed to happen, I wouldn't be able to contain the meaning of them in my futile human capacity. Job asked God why and was responded with a thunderous explanation. "Can you only expect good from the hand of God?" When you ask God why, be ready for a heavy talk.
As Alex drifted to sleep against my chest around 4 o’clock AM, I basked in his fresh baby scent. I didn't care about the 2 hours of precious sleep lost to the night. While feeling his little tummy rise and fall into my chest, another why slipped into my head. Why was I blessed with a healthy baby while other arms ached to cradle a newborn?
And then I remembered that God is good. All the time.
Why is He good? Because the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
When you don’t understand
When you can’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His heart.